Great Sex Unzipped

Was it good for you?

If you’re like a lot of men, chances are it wasn’t. At least, the sex wasn’t as good as you think it could have been. You were addled with anxiety, plagued by concerns over your performance, worried about the worthiness of your physique during lovemaking. Even if the act achieved the idealized heights of a Hollywood screenplay — she melted at your touch, you thundered like a stallion, you writhed in unison to volcanic climax — you still harbor suspicions that you’re not getting it as often as everyone else.

For creatures so famously consumed by thoughts of sex, men remain remarkably confused about what great sex is and how to have it. We’re shadowed by self-doubt; our minds are clouded by myths and misperceptions. But it’s not just about our mindset. We men could also work on our mechanics. Mentally and physically, we’re impaired. Our path to greater sexual pleasure seems blocked. Which begs the question, why can’t we all just have great sex?

Well we can. But first we should decide what great sex is. “Great sex is in the eye of the beholder, or the be-hander,” says Patti Britton, a clinical sexologist and author of The Art of Sex Coaching. “For some men, it might be the ability to produce fantabulous multiple orgasms in their partner. For other men, it might mean being able to last three minutes. Being a great lover means becoming a great lover to your particular partner, and that requires doing something very difficult: opening your mouth.”

Great sex tip # 1: Take up pillow talk

Right. The mouth. Useful for kissing and other orally administered forms of arousal (none of which should be underestimated), it’s also a tool for communication. Try it. Tell her what you want. Ask her what she likes. Shoot for trust and openness.

“If you get to know yourself and your partner, you’ll have a much more erotic and explosive sexual relationship,” says Joy Davidson, a New York-based psychologist and sexologist, and the author of Fearless Sex.

Great sex tip # 2: Don’t believe locker room talk

When men do talk, they often puff themselves up to their peers. Less apt than women to discuss their insecurities and more inclined to exaggerate their exploits, men paint distorted pictures of their sex lives for one another.

“A lot of men wind up thinking that their sex life is missing something, that other men are having wilder sex or more frequent sex,” Davidson says. “They have a sense that the pleasure ship has sailed and left them behind.”

According to Michael Castleman, a San Francisco-based sex expert and author of Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex, the average frequency of sex in committed long-term relationships is roughly once every 10 days.