If you’re like a lot of men, chances are it wasn’t. At least, the sex wasn’t
as good as you think it could have been. You were addled with anxiety, plagued
by concerns over your performance, worried about the worthiness of your
physique during lovemaking. Even if the act achieved the idealized heights of a
Hollywood screenplay — she melted at your touch, you thundered like a stallion,
you writhed in unison to volcanic climax — you still harbor suspicions that
you’re not getting it as often as everyone else.
Once it was simple. You got married, had kids, worked the land, and stayed
married whether you could stand each other or not. The concept of "a happy
marriage" was no more
relevant than the idea of "a pretty tractor."
"That has changed over time as marriage has become more
independent," says Steven Nock, a professor of sociology who studies
marriage at the University of Virginia and author of Marriage in Men's
Lives. "Couples don't need each other for quite as many things as they
For creatures so famously consumed by thoughts of sex, men remain remarkably
confused about what great sex is and how to have it. We’re shadowed by
self-doubt; our minds are clouded by myths and misperceptions. But it’s not
just about our mindset. We men could also work on our mechanics. Mentally and
physically, we’re impaired. Our path to greater sexual pleasure seems blocked.
Which begs the question, why can’t we all just have great sex?
Well we can. But first we should decide what great sex is. “Great sex is in
the eye of the beholder, or the be-hander,” says Patti Britton, a clinical
sexologist and author of The Art of Sex Coaching. “For some men, it
might be the ability to produce fantabulous multiple orgasms in their partner.
For other men, it might mean being able to last three minutes. Being a great
lover means becoming a great lover to your particular partner, and that
requires doing something very difficult: opening your mouth.”
Great sex tip # 1: Take up pillow talk
Right. The mouth. Useful for kissing and other orally administered forms of
arousal (none of which should be underestimated), it’s also a tool for
communication. Try it. Tell her what you want. Ask her what she likes. Shoot
for trust and openness.
“If you get to know yourself and your partner, you’ll have a much more
erotic and explosive sexual relationship,” says Joy Davidson, a New York-based
psychologist and sexologist, and the author of Fearless Sex.
Great sex tip # 2: Don’t believe locker room talk
When men do talk, they often puff themselves up to their peers. Less
apt than women to discuss their insecurities and more inclined to exaggerate
their exploits, men paint distorted pictures of their sex lives for one
“A lot of men wind up thinking that their sex life is missing something,
that other men are having wilder sex or more frequent sex,” Davidson says.
“They have a sense that the pleasure ship has sailed and left them behind.”
According to Michael Castleman, a San Francisco-based sex expert and author
of Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex,
the average frequency of sex in committed long-term relationships is roughly
once every 10 days.