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6 Marriage Mistakes for Men

Despite the best intentions, these habits may undermine your relationship.

By Matt McMillen
WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Laura J. Martin, MD

Men, we don’t mean to nag, but you may be making mistakes that risk ruining your marriage. In fact, if you are a typical man, you are likely making several, and making them often.

Don’t believe us? Ask your wife. Now, before you get all defensive, this isn't about blame. These aren't ridiculous relationship mistakes -- they're the subtle things that you might not even know you're doing. And changing these habits could make a big difference to your wife -- and that can only be good for you.

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Recognizing these mistakes and making efforts to correct them will not only help your marriage, it may also help your health -- and that of your spouse.

Over time, negative feelings in a relationship that aren't addressed can lead to physical and psychological problems, says Silver Spring, Md.-based psychologist Gloria Vanderhorst, PhD.

“Stress develops in the relationship for each partner, though for different reasons,” she says. “Typically by the time that a couple comes into treatment this stress has triggered anxiety or depression in one or both of them.”

Below are several common mistakes that men make with their wives, how to recognize them, and – most important – what you can do to correct them.

1. Not showing empathy.

Empathy is the most important part of any relationship, says psychologist Albert Maslow, PhD. It’s the ability to recognize and share someone else’s feelings. And it’s something that, in general, women are better at than men. “Women want their feelings to be understood and validated,” says Maslow, who has a private practice in Crozet, Va. “Men have to discover this.”

Rather than simply listening, though, men tend to go into fix-it mode. That’s a mistake.

“If your wife tells you she feels ignored, for example, at that moment what she wants is for you to understand her feelings rather than talk about the facts,” Maslow says.

2. Reckless spending.

Making big purchases such as buying a car without first consulting your wife is a huge no-no, Vanderhorst says. In fact, she ranks it second only to infidelity when it comes to marriage-busting mistakes. And, she says, “Men tend to do it a lot.”

Why? Consciously or unconsciously, men frequently assign themselves the leadership role in the relationship. That, too, is a mistake, Vanderhorst says. “A couple’s relationship is a shared leadership position,” she says.

3. Being sexually selfish -- or clueless.

In the bedroom, men forget – or, worse, haven’t figured out – that their wives often need more than they do to get turned on, Maslow says.

“Affection, making her feel loved and needed -- that’s basic for her to feel aroused,” Maslow says. “Older men usually catch on, but young men are especially unaware of this.”

Vanderhorst says turning a woman on begins well before the lights go down. “Men perceive sex as a sufficient means of being close, of having a connection,” she says. “But women want a connection prior to having sex.”

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