Advice for Expectant Fathers

In a lot of ways, expectant fathers have it easy. They're spared the many miseries of impending motherhood: the morning sickness, the weight gain, the pain of childbirth and the other physical discomforts -- petty and profound -- of carrying a child. Nine months of pregnancy transform a woman; her partner presumably looks more or less the same as he did before.

But while guys may not have the outward signs to prove it, the effects of becoming a father can't be underestimated.

"First-time fathers might be in for a shock," says David Swain of Sunderland, Mass., the father of a 15-month-old son. "Not the astonishment over how beautiful their child is or how proud they are of the mom, but the shock of how helpless their child is and how much they as fathers must surrender to his care."

Armin Brott, the author of The Expectant Father and Father for Life, agrees. "The psychological journey of pregnancy and childbirth is no less profound for the father that it is for the mother," he tells WebMD. "He's worried about what kind of father he'll be, how he can afford having a child, how his relationship with his wife will change. These really aren't trivial issues."

But as important as these issues are, a lot of guys have trouble talking about or coping with them. According to Brott, who has two daughters and is expecting a third, being an involved father is a struggle, a struggle against societal conventions and our own insecurities. While it may not be easy, it may be the most important and valuable struggle of your life.

Feeling Left Out

After the initial excitement of discovering that you're going to be a father, you may find yourself feeling a little aimless while your partner is pregnant or even after she gives birth. While your wife is picking out maternity clothes, being feted at baby showers, and urinating every 15 minutes, life carries on for you in much the same way. Your partner simply has an inherent, physical connection to your unborn child that you don't; this may make pregnancy and fatherhood seem frustratingly abstract. Besides being a support and sidekick, what exactly are you supposed to be doing anyway?

This lack of focus can make many men feel a little shut out. "What often happens is that fathers wind up feeling excluded really early in the pregnancy," says Brott. "And that process can get worse as the pregnancy goes on and after the child is born."

Excluded by whom? Is some sinister conspiracy at work?

Hardly, but Brott observes that traditional social forces can push men away from embracing their roles as fathers. Many men wind up excluding themselves, however unintentionally.